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What are you doing to yourself? You’re not like this. You’re a strong, independent, proud woman.
You’re not this weak thing. You’re not below the morals you’ve set for yourself and others so passionately. You are not this girl.
You know the truth, you just refuse to accept it. You willingly let yourself down. You let them call you a fool. You, yet again, put on the “stupid idiot” hat and leave for his place.
You leave with the same feeling you last went over there with… defeat. But, hey, at least you’re not as naïve as you once were, holding on to the idea of the night with the slightest bit of hope that this time would be different.
This time he will realize he loves you and finally stop hurting you.
But alas, there’s that nagging pit in your stomach again. The twitch in your heart as you recall the callousness in his voice when greeting you and the rushed goodbye as he pushed you out the door.
The (purposefully) missed cues you dropped to hang out tomorrow and the refusal to ask you, once again, about your life.
You think about the emptiness you felt in his bed. His arm may have been around you, but he was never near you. That feeling of wanting to drown yourself, but waiting for him to drown you first.
We keep telling ourselves he’s worth it — that this is what love is. Love is messy and complicated and full of heartbreak.
Love is wishing for someone who won’t give himself to you. Love is dramatic and unfulfilling. We tell ourselves we’re slaves to our hearts — not to him.
This is the plight of every woman who has a man she can’t let go of. We all have this one person. The one who treated us like sh*t and we couldn’t get enough.
The one who will never be who we want him to be, so we keep chasing him. The one who makes us cry then ignores our tears.
He’ll hurt you time and time again, but the pain seems worth it
You wouldn’t go back and put your hand on the stove again, or take another freezing cold shower — but you’ll go back to that pain.
You’ll inflict it on yourself time and time again. You tell yourself it’s worth it, that this is what it feels like to be in love.
But when you finally do fall in love with the right person, you’ll realize that love is the antidote to your pain. Only real love with the right person will heal the wounds this man left.
He’s the one who ruined your entire world with one text, but you still wait by the phone
His silence says as much as his words, and his texts are worth anyone’s weight in gold.
You keep your phone on just for him, every ring, every vibration, sends your heart up through your throat. But it’s never him and definitely never anything you wanted to hear.
His slow responses, his unanswered questions and his 2 am booty calls are just sad monuments to your defeat.
He’s crazy about everything except for you
He has no problem spending $500 on concert tickets or going out until 2 am before calling you. He’ll be damned, however, before he buys you dinner or stays in with you on a Friday night.
You don’t have to be more important than his passions, but you should at least be one of them.
He never feels the need to make excuses, so you do it for him
He never tells you why he didn’t call, so you tell yourself. He’s busy, he’s tired, he lost his phone. You’re his apology, his forgiveness and his makeup sex. Only he’s just experiencing the sex….
He won’t tell you the truth, but you’re always awaiting his next story
You know his stories are more full of sh*t than his apology texts (if you even get those), but you entertain them anyway. Maybe you like the drama or the attention, but either way, you’re watching a work of fiction.
You wake up thinking about him, but never next to him
You still think about him every day. You can’t open your eyes without letting your mind wander to your time together — his affection, his words.
You start dissecting him, over and over again, wondering why you’re not in his embrace right now. These mornings spent pining for him rather than embracing him are sad reminders that you’ll never be his.
He has no time for you, but you have all the time in the world for him
None of us are above stalking. I don’t care how strong you are, we all do it. Most likely, you don’t stalk him for the comfort it brings you. Your stalking is plain masochism.
This has prompted you to delete your Facebook, Instagram and Tinder multiple times.
From all these times, however, you can’t help but realize the one sad truth you can’t delete: It’s not that he doesn’t have time, he just doesn’t have time for you.
He’s the one you compare every subsequent guy to, but he never thinks twice about you
He’s on every date you go on and every bed you enter. He’s the guy you’re wishing was in the other guy’s place and wondering if you can call after this is all over.
He’s the one you want because he’s the one you can’t have. Chances are, if you find a way to let him go, you’ll start attaching to the good guys.
Lauren Martin
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